Extremely Neutral...

Two become one. Now what?

2011-11-25T04:21:00.002-05:00

Place never anticipated
Unable or unwilling to separate the two
Lover and Best Friend.
Once distinct and purposefully so.

Now? Emotions, reasons, expectations, gestures all combined.

The ideal? Long gone.

The future? Unclear and confused.

Minor rant.

2011-10-28T00:17:00.003-05:00

If only I could splatter the contents of my mind onto paper.

Efficient, healthy and interesting very that would be. An error not this is.

Anyway, I'm an active thinker but a lazy and largely incompetent writer and speaker (by my standards) so it's my loss (or yours. yuh too faas anyway).

People are fucking funny and I lack the ability to relish in true anger and resentment. I think I'll end up with cancer afterall.

rubik’s cube

2011-09-21T01:31:00.001-05:00

my sensitivity of nothing is everything
your sensitivity of everything is nothing
everything is nothing altered by sensitivity.

common knowledge is uncommon
uncommon knowledge is common
knowledge is the common made uncommon.

understanding is not understanding
not understanding is understanding
therein lies the misunderstanding.

[untitled]

2011-05-22T00:55:00.005-05:00

I'm about to do something a bit stupid but equally courageous. I feel a bit compelled at this point as I no longer have a therapist to pour my sorrows out to at this crossroad stage of my life. On the one hand, I doubt anyone I know actually reads my blog, and on the other, I don't care right now. I have to survive and I will.

Yesterday, I accidentally said something aloud in the company of my roommate. It kinda spilled from my lips as I try to avoid the use of the word 'depressed'. However, I said, "I feel so depressed". What I really meant to say was "I am so bored," and boredom, for me, creates a breeding ground for depression; something I wouldn't consciously have her know.

Her response was, "don't you say that! Do you even know what depression is?" with her somewhat snobbish Nigerian British-English accent.

My roommate is a very confident lady and when she speaks her listeners have almost no choice but to believe her. Her response therefore had me feeling quite guilty for 'abusing' depression the way so many people often annoy me by doing.

It was an interesting moment those couple of minutes. I was tempted to defend myself from two fronts. I wanted to remind her that I was an aspiring psychologist and therefore could provide her with the physiological details of the disease. I also wanted to ask her if she had any idea who she was speaking to. Instead, I took a sip from the bottle of water lying by my foot and shut the hell up.

Over 24 hours later and this feeling of being choked still plagues me. Had I hypertension or diabetes, I would have said to her, "well, I actually suffer from that illness and have been doing so silently for 17 years so I do know an awful lot about it." Instead I said nothing. Were the same incident to occur again tomorrow night, I would have responded the same way.

What's the problem really? I refuse to associate myself with the ignorant (correct meaning) and ignorant (Jamaican meaning) mass of people who are extremely fixed on the idea of considering depression 'something wrong'. As such, that could not be what I think, right? So maybe it's a private matter and I prefer keeping it that way. The truth is, however, I'm not that private a person. I have a blog, come one!

Funny.

I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself for being ashamed of myself.

someone like you

2011-05-22T00:40:00.002-05:00

Adele says it better...

...sometimes it hurts instead.

I love you K.A.M.

Don't You Remember - Adele

2011-04-12T03:59:00.001-05:00

Bleh

2011-04-12T03:50:00.002-05:00

He reminds me of him and he reminds me of her.

Just can't win can you Soft_Rock. Just can't win.

You suck kiddo!

Line corner

2011-04-07T02:35:00.006-05:00

I was born and spent the first five years of my life in a small rural district. We didn't have a primary school in our immediate community, now that I think of it; partly explaining why I was there for only 5 years. On Sundays, my cousin and I would walk to church with our great-grandmother. We'd walk along a straight major road which after a few miles (I think) eventually turned at a crossroad. This special spot was known as line corner as it represented the corner of the straight major road (creative, huh?).

Line corner was a special place in the community. There was a bar, a public pipe and the cool guys hung out there. To many, it represented some kind of accomplishment or change. It required quite a bit of walking to get there and after turning the corner you'd be on your way to entering a different community.

Somehow, I got to thinking about this place a few minutes ago. How interesting it was when rural citizens 'arrived' at line corner - it was a positive experience; one worth celebrating.

When amplified and the 'line corner' becomes only figurative in nature, how many will be there chillin'? Will it cease to invoke excitement and pride?

I have reason to think it will.

More over-thinking

2011-03-24T02:18:00.004-05:00

After almost two years of trying to adjust to the American culture, I think I have made some progress. Unfortunately, this comes at a time when I am about ready to prepare myself to return home (implying more unfreezing and refreezing to battle with in the future but so goes it).

As I observed individualism and complained about the daily hassles it added to my life, I was able to break it into several facets while I pondered its origin. There is the individual right from a legal perspective which I had no trouble with admiring instantly. Then the, what I called 'self-centered' aspects which I had the most issues with as it resulted in me telling myself "good morning" on too many occasions. Finally, I saw the 'macro' individualism which related to economic rights but this never concerned me much.

With a mind wired to think about correlations, I made myself believe that this dominant feature of the American society must be related somehow to the country's success. Maybe adopting something from this culture could help our failing economy back home.

The greatest portion of my experience here has been within the education system which I assume is a microcosm of the country. And what's the main difference I've observed? Diplomacy. (This could be a feature of the Mid-West but if we ranked regions in terms of Americanness, wouldn't it be somewhere up there? Seems so to me)

I can easily see delicacy in handling inter-personal situations being an extension of individualism. So maybe the secret to success is greater concern and respect for our individuals. Maybe, instead of thinking Joe is plain stupid we should consider his past experiences and invest in his development. We should make Joe more interested in himself. Maybe life shouldn't be so much about 'me' sharing with 'you' but more about you and I both strengthening ourselves to benefit all in the long run.

A collectivistic culture may be our flaw. The least motivated and self-centered easily become parasites (other-centered); feeding themselves off our sugarcane and eventually our blood (literally and figuratively).

Depression hurts but...

2011-03-23T03:10:00.003-05:00

I've wasted a significant amount of energy on depression, ruined several relationships and failed many many many times. Despite it all, I know some success. As small my slice of the pie has been, I am still grateful. I am thankful to have been able to make it this far. I am grateful I can see further and farther ahead. I am thankful, despite it all.

I comfort myself with the thought that had I been 'normal' I'd be too much for this world to handle.

Have a happy day.

Mind = Body.

2011-03-16T05:30:00.004-05:00

"The distinction between mind and body is an artificial dichotomy, a discrimination which is unquestionably based far more on the peculiarity of intellectual understanding than on the nature of things."
-Carl Jung

I think? No, I know.

I know it because I experience it time and time again.

Unfortunately, I have made myself a victim of this reality by allowing my mind to take the lead.

Tomorrow, I will dance.

What hurts the most

2011-03-14T01:02:00.000-05:00

Extremely neutral...

2011-02-25T04:42:00.005-05:00

I procrastinate
I feel most creative when the pressure is on
I wait until my stomach speaks to me before eating
I feel I'll be less disappointed by the taste of my meal when famished
I like going to bed very late
when I'm sure I'll have no need to wait on sleep
I store my frustrations until my bottle bursts open and I'm unable to control my anger

I like extremes.

I like nerds
I love them
Tell me a lot about anything,
be it computers,
human biology,
philosophy,
music,
literature,
maps,
lights,
physics,
the making of gas,
guns,
just,
just anything.

I want to see evidence of an obsession with a single subject matter.
I want to see passion.
I want to see interest.
I want to see involvement.
I want to see an extreme amount of it.
I want to see it.
Make me feel it.

And then make it stop.

U GOT A MAN?

2011-02-22T01:07:00.005-05:00

*Dear Personnel Selection exam, please forgive me but I just had to say this real quick*

I got a text message today from a stranger. I responded (because I'm just polite like that) to let the person know s/he had the wrong number. The person then asked if I was a girl, to which I responded, "No, I'm a woman".

I then got "U GOT A MAN AND HOW OLD?" Really? No, REALLY? Firstly, what the hell kind of sentence is that? My assumption is this good-for-very-little dude was successful at some point in the past with this meager attempt at winning the affection of some 'chick'. I also assume he was African American. I felt a bit embarrassed about my second assumption but blame it on the media.

May God help your lame souls.

Titles are over-rated

2011-02-18T02:42:00.003-05:00

I have made a decision to turn an amazing opportunity down tomorrow. It's a opportunity I would have swallowed whole a few years ago. An opportunity I am currently quite excited about. The 'work' I will be expected to do is literally nothing compared to the return of exposure, knowledge and total awesomeness I will receive in return.

I'm literally torn. I deserve this, right? No, I don't. I've already received too much. I'm somewhat annoyed by myself and how opportunistic I've managed to be these past months. This is too much.

Additionally, accepting this will only further unbalance my scale. Enough with the misfortune.

:(

What if being with me is home?

2011-02-11T01:54:00.004-05:00

I had an insightful conservation today which brought my attention to the concept of ‘radical acceptance’. Originating from Buddhist philosophy, radical acceptance promotes a freedom from suffering through an acknowledgment of what is. It is believed that pain creates suffering when one refuses to accept the pain. However, by making the choice to be tolerant of the moment we radically accept.

My first reaction to the call for this practice was the idea that this acceptance resembles submissiveness or quitting. Realistically, it does not. Given that we do not have complete control over the actions we are often victims to, it more resembles action-focused coping. Radical acceptance says ‘accept reality and focus instead on that which you can control’.

Tara Brach "Coming Home" from Omega Institute on Vimeo.

Johanna Blakley: Social media and the end of gender

2011-02-08T03:05:00.000-05:00

Tit for tat, tit or just because?

2011-02-07T01:56:00.001-05:00

I work in a research lab where we have a rectangular table with one side against the walk. At our weekly meetings, I sit in a certain spot which happens to place me in a corner. An Asian guy sits next to me. After a few weeks of meetings, I noticed something about him. Something odd. Like extra-sensory perception or something, he always knows when I’m about to leave my seat, even before I do. With eyes glued to the screen of his laptop, he is able to stand and move his chair out of the way with enough time left for him to wait on me to ascend from my chair. After several months of observation, I’ve managed to conclude that what I first thought was sheer oddity is actually chivalry.

Outside of the historical origin of chivalry, how does it really work though? Cognitively speaking, does his brain think ‘do what she wants you to do’ or ‘do what you should do’? When a man insists on opening a door for a woman, does he because he wants to make her smile? Or is he doing it because she’s the weaker sex and her energy should be reserved for making dinner when she gets home? Does it matter?

It surely does.

I had a dream a few nights ago. Someone in it was explaining to me the difference between kindness with an ‘agenda’ and kindness without an ‘agenda’. The person said that “the difference is in the stalk” and went on to explain what the ‘stalk’ was. In this case, the stalk is a pattern. It’s referred to as a stalk because should the acts be represented as plots on a graph, a linear form would be noticed. The absence of a stalk would mean no significant relationship. That is, acts of kindness would randomly exist.

The unnecessarily convoluted (but simple) message my subconscious was trying to communicate to me was that those among us who are genuinely kind, display this kindness without taking into account the chance of receiving a reward. True kindness occurs naturally, persistently and irrespective of imagined or actual outcome. Random acts of kindness however, may be contingent on an external or internal influence.

The Asian guy in my lab with his extra-sensory ability seemingly has kindness wired in.

I'm just saying...

2011-02-02T02:52:00.005-05:00

Snow days tend to trick me into thinking I have the right to sleep all day. They're awfully good at it and as long as I'm in the moment, I really don't mind. I will tomorrow though. I will once I realize I have a massive amount of work to complete and my assistant didn't take the initiative to get some done. Wait, what assistant? :( My brain has clearly frozen.

It's extremely cold here due to the snow 'storm' we're having in the Midwest which has forced me to be inside my apt all day. Occasionally, I peek outside and what I smell reminds me a lot of that freezer my grandmother had. Remember the ones before frostless? That's the one. That smell makes me feel very warm and cozy inside as my grandmother always had magical red 'suck sucks' (like Popsicles but in a bag) in her freezer. Those were incredible.

She also had zinc roofing. Do you know how amazing that is during what I consider a storm (i.e. hurricane)? Very. *sigh*.

Btw, my 'roof' is someone else's floor, a very heavy-walking someone.

I just opened the door. It's very creepy outside. muahahahahahahaha! :)

P!nk - F**kin' Perfect

2011-01-31T17:36:00.001-05:00

4:27

2011-01-31T17:15:00.003-05:00

It's funny how the mind works. By 'funny' I mean interesting and by 'mind works' I mean creating congruence where it least exists.

Anger vs edible aphrodisiacs

2011-01-27T22:34:00.011-05:00

For some reason, I got to thinking about anger today which automatically resulted in thoughts of sex. I then decided to Google (as a verb) "anger as an aphrodisiac" because I had nothing better to do and was blown away (well, not really) when the results mostly said "anger is not an aphrodisiac". Umm, what? Is that legal?

Apparently, there's scientific evidence somewhere. Ah well.

My thoughts are that, given that anger is a negative emotion, we want to discourage its exaltation. Instead, we'll have perfectly healthy (and by that I mean 'normal') individuals thinking they are more screwed up than they actually are. Yep, that's justice.

I think anger is a very healthy aphrodisiac. Let's see how it stands against a few commonly accepted aphrodisiacs.

Raw oysters
Deadly. Enough said. The experience of anger, not so much. Suppressed anger can cause medical issues. However, sex is exercise and exercise is good.

Chocolate
As much as I love chocolate, the fact is that it's bad for teeth and heart. I imagine that in order to be effective, a few pounds would be needed.

Asparagus.
Three words. 'Green decorative bullshit' (What? Epic Mealtime is funny).

Eggs
This is getting ridiculous now. Who wants eggy sex?

If you can call you partner "daddy" then anger is very fine.

I love you Sigmund Freud.

Dan Ariely asks, Are we in control of our own decisions?

2011-01-26T01:10:00.000-05:00

Personality predictors of constipation

2011-01-25T23:40:00.006-05:00

Whatever the issues are regarding Freud's views of human development, his input has certainly been valuable. My current thoughts are 'fixed' on the anal stage of development which is actually my favorite to think about of the 5 he purports. We can recall that Freud believes that during the ages of 18 months to 3 years, the child's primary source of pleasure is derived from the 'dirty' area, the anus.

"The child is most likely to become conflicted and fixated at the anal stage if the caretakers are either too demanding or overindulgent. the bipolar traits that develop from anal fixation have been clearly articulated by Freud (1925) and Fenichel (1945): stinginess/over-generosity, constrictedness/expansiveness, stubbornness/acquiescence, orderliness/messiness, meticulous/dirtiness, punctuality/tardiness, precision/vaguenesss"- Prochaska & Norcross

An overly demanding caretaker is one who would force a child during toilet training. The result of this, according to Freud is an adult with anal fixation having very strong 'holding-on' tendencies. These tendencies may be perceived as some kind of defensive reaction from being forced to 'let go' during a period within which we are powerless. The adult, if fixed on this side of the continuum, becomes stingy, constricted and stubborn. Sounds like constipation to me.

If the mind is as in-tuned with the body as many of us believe, then what is to stop the digestive system from developing these same 'holding- on' tendencies? That's right, nothing.

p.s. Yes, I do like talking shit actually.

Random rant

2011-01-23T22:42:00.003-05:00

Deep breaths won't work right now. Neither will a warm shower. A cold one maybe, but it's not the time of year for that.

I'm pissed.

Not the...
'find someone and shake the life out of them pissed'
the 'bang my head against the wall pissed'
the '"you make me sick!" pissed'
the 'I wish I had a gun right now pissed'
the 'I need to talk to my therapist pissed'

But the...
'scream in the pillow pissed'
the 'I wish I could crush my laptop with my bare hands pissed'
the 'drink a bottle of rum pissed'
the 'shake my legs till they fall off pissed'
the '"why the fuck are you so stupid Soft_Rock?" pissed'

I did it again
I never learn

And now I go to bed.

Rebecca Saxe: How we read each other's minds

2011-01-22T20:49:00.000-05:00

Emotional Reason

2011-01-22T00:25:00.007-05:00

My desire to be comfortably placed in the middle of the community of 'hard soft-sciences' landed me in the research area of emotions and decision-making in the field of I/O psychology. This amalgamation gives me the best of the professional world I want to exist in- hard enough to be respected for its contribution to society (I/O) but soft enough to show appreciation to the often overlooked values of psychology (emotions). I kind of landed here, unpredictably. It’s called serendipity and I’m happy.

I am happy but there’s still a lot of work to do on people like you (maybe, or your friends). Emotions are still second to what the majority accepts as ‘rationality’. Emotions are second for many reasons; a few of which I imagine, are that they aren’t tangible (funny how we adore other non-tangibles); they are fickle and they demonstrate to the world that we are as it is. I think this last reason, having to do with being exposed or vulnerable, implies just how powerful emotions actually are. It says that on some level of awareness (which those denying the value of emotions are yet to achieve) this creature drives more powerful than ‘logic’. It therefore means that emotions are so authoritative that they can only be controlled by their own kind.

Fear.

ps. I think it's funny how Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook as a result of emotional drives (and Shawn Fanning, Napster). Isn't that kinda programming stuff (or whatever it's called) 'hard science'?

Nudity

2011-01-21T04:26:00.002-05:00

Despise being in the nude.

Physically

and emotionally.

Naked is unattractive.

Naked is unwise.

Silly Eve.

Chasing Pavements- Adele

2011-01-21T02:43:00.002-05:00

I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

always a few things...

2010-12-28T19:46:00.005-05:00

When I was younger, I questioned everything and many times only because I could. One such thing was the purpose of history classes. To a 10 year old who hated reading and storing dates to memory (I still hate both btw), I really could do without having to take history classes. Hence, I was introduced to a cliche to the sound of 'in order to understand where you are going you need to know where you are coming from'. To some extent, this is BS as ideas and biases from the past can easily hinder future progress. Nonetheless, it has its worth, like many other cliches.

That said, given I have decided to stay clear of the new year's resolutions this time around, I have decided to try to list a few salient reminders from the past year. Nothing mind-blowing but these may help throughout 2011 in some small way.

Alcohol is highly over-rated. If you're really honest with yourself its very easy to agree with me on this. The taste is horrible and hangovers are really not worth the buzz.

Emotional strain can harm the body. Stress management is imperative. If you don't believe me, take a look at my medical history.

Looks are deceiving. I believe this year had me making contact with the largest pool of affected (ha, it means 'fake') individuals I have ever come across in my lifetime. People smile all the time but it doesn't always reflect their thoughts.

Trust your first impression. This is not a contradiction to #3 at all. The book "Blink" was not the only thing reminding me of this in 2010 but I had several first impressions confirmed which caused quite the boo-boo. Give yourself some credit, love.

Sexuality is always fluid and choice is sometimes an option.

It is ok to have a messy bedroom at the end of a semester. It is ok as long as you have the A's to justify it.

Sometimes, strangers > non-strangers.

The ending of a relationship is a very difficult time for the parties involved. It helps if this is as private as possible.

Perception is still reality. It's always interesting to observe how our biases, needs and personal positions color how we see the world and others in it. It is simply an amazing thing to watch.

Children are amazing but not for everyone.

There will be a few experiences and people who we (I) will never understand. The earth accepts having mysterious wonders, so can we (I).

Human behaviour 100.0000000006

2010-12-23T14:45:00.005-05:00

I'm not 'Dr.' just yet and even if/when I get there I still won't have all the answers. This much I know however: You attack, I defend.

Some simple reminders:

people skills are far lacking in this world
too few people are willing or able to accept or even see their partiality, and
we are all animals

It's beginning to look a lot like not-Christmas.

Rethinking this

2010-12-23T03:05:00.007-05:00

There is something very sweet about Jamaicans. This thing has a very ugly side which makes them one of the most violent set of people in the world. But, remember balance? Things are as good as they are bad.

I keep remembering a phone conversation a few years ago. A friend called. She had recently arrived in the US and was having a hard time accepting behavior she found selfish. They were very small things and I accused her of being overly-sensitive. She probably was being too sensitive and as a result of the selfless conditioning she had experienced all her life. Her reaction couldn't be helped. Now, neither can mine.

She had lived in a country where people were polite, they said 'good morning'. A country where neighbors laughed and talked together; shared their crops; helped each other prepare for hurricanes; invited each other to church; took care of each others children and were generally communal. Individualism can be harsh for someone new to it.

Adjusting to a different culture is a tough task. At the same time, while facilitating a new appreciation for one's own, it allows refreshing perspective taking. Selfishness might not be such a bad idea after all.

Resolution resolution-makers

2010-12-23T02:23:00.005-05:00

I often laugh at myself whenever I accidentally sign the previous year's date for the first 2 months (or so) of the year. I've been making this mistake for years and I'm positive I'm not the only one who does it. It happens, I assume, because subconsciously I'm still living in the past- still doing the things I'm used to as a result of a mental shortcut (otherwise known as being lazy).

Resolution runners/joggers/gym enthusiast have a similar issue; except in the reverse. They force themselves to adhere to new year's resolutions of losing weight or being healthy but only for the first 2 months (or so) of the year. Resolutions, not yet stored in the 'concrete' section of the brain get left by the way side as life and its convenient short cuts occur.

We are all aware of this (speaking to those who never keep new year promises to self), but, year after year, we continue trying to turn that new leaf. I'm guilty. I know better so I never share my new year's resolutions or admit to having one but year after year I do. Year after year, I forget the goals I make by March (or so).

The alternative? Allow yourself to take mental shortcuts and laugh at yourself for doing it. What can make you happier than being able to laugh at yourself? That's right. Nothing.

Will the real Christian please stand up?

2010-12-19T16:49:00.004-05:00

Consistent with the idea of religion being the "opium of the people", my search for a 'truth' has taken me along several paths. I've worshiped extensively with the Baptists, Gospel Assemblies, New Testament Church of Gods, Church of Gods, Seventh Day Adventists, Anglicans, Catholics, non-denominationals, Jehovah's Witnesses, considered atheism, agnosticism, Rastafarianism, the Baha'i Faith, Taoism and being 'spiritual not religious'. And these are only what I can remember.

Of all the above listed, the faith I found most comforting spoke nothing of a 'hell', the Jehovah's Witness. I was instantly attracted to this christian denomination for it telling me my punishment for sin would not have me burning in a forever fire of heat many times more extreme than that of my oven. I considered joining this denomination but the guilt instilled in me from the others caused me to consider myself a coward for not wanting to pay for my sinful ways should I be damned to 'hell' in my after-life.

I don't believe fire scares me. Matter of fact, lying on my back in a casket under the earth scares me more than burning to ashes; hence my preference for cremation. Additionally, my logical brain is currently not at the stage of believing in a fire which never ends. I was never exposed to that in my science classes; not saying it's impossible. Even the sun will eventually burn out I'm told.

What scares me is uncertainty. I am afraid to accept that a 'loving God' would want to have me endure that much pain. That makes no sense. At the same time, it is very consistent with the attitude of Christians; the attitude which bothers me and which I use as excuse for not wanting to associate too much with them.

The duality; the half-in half-out. The "I'm going to church on Sunday to share the space with my pastor preaching against fornication after my night of pre-marital love-making. And by the way, that makes me better than you" bullshit. Where are the real Christians? Why do so few people see an issue with this type of hypocrisy yet they are so sensitive to other more trivial issues? Where is the reason?

I can't say my issue is with the natural behavior of humans. No, my issue is with the ideals of Christianity and other social institutions which tell me that I'm not good enough for being human and imperfect.

Fuck you!!

The person you know??

2010-12-08T23:37:00.003-05:00

I will never be able to understand how people seem to think they know anyone. How can you say to me or another "you are not the person I thought I knew". Is that some kind of a joke? You expected to know me? After a few months? A few years? I don't know me. Why would you?

Events since birth create an individual's identity. Events cause results every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year we experience. We are complex creatures, I'm not the only one. Being smart does not place you in a position to think you can sum anyone up in a perfect ball. Really?

Assume nothing and live like you know you are learning daily. You are learning daily.

...

2010-12-05T22:05:00.002-05:00

Something to remember

A few things...

2010-12-05T00:22:00.004-05:00

It's after midnight and I'm wide awake. I need to be up to finish transcribing interviews (a task which sucks major ass) but I want to write. I want to write about love and Psychology and the moon and men and music and trust and fear but I shouldn't. I have too much to do, right?

In the interest of time, the backlog of work I have left to do and the fact that I do not own an infinite amount of coffee I will make myself a compromise. I'll write about a few of the above using as few words as I can. Btw, I was alarmed to see comments about wordiness on my thesis proposal. I had no idea I was wordy. Good to know.

Love
I overheard a program on TV tonight as my roommate was watching, probably a Tyler Perry feature (eew). Woman A was telling woman B that she thought it was disrespectful that she (woman B) was trying so hard to win her (woman A) husband over. Woman B then said "is that what you think? I'm not interested in your husband, I'm interested in you." Woman A was very confused and pointed out to woman B that she was involved with a man recently. Woman B then said "I love men, I love women, I love everyone".

Very often, I experience these lightbulb moments as a result of very simple and actually uninspiring events. It's love. When was loving ever wrong?

Psychology
So I've had very strong feelings for Psychology for a number of years. For several of those years I was the only one 'in love'. Psychology had no interest in me whatsoever and made it very obvious. Today, however, I feel the love and appreciation for my patience and it feels good.

I'm glad I waited.

Music
...is my boyfriend, my anti-depressant and hot chocolate. I swear I had a life before this one. In that life I was a musician, an African-American musician. Music filled my veins and I even inhaled it. Today, as I make contact with it I'm reminded of its movement and scent and it makes me taller in my soul. I think that's what love does.

Fear
One of the most unfortunate things to be victim of is fear. Without dancing like no one is watching, you won't really appreciate the music. Have you ever been inside a nightclub? Tried dancing there? If you had a good time I'm almost positive you did not spend your time watching others and moving based on how you thought they perceived you. When we are conscious of our fears we should try over-coming them and through systematic desensitization, right? Is there a layman manual for that?

If I could wish for one super-power, it would be the ability to dissolve the fears of others. I fear nothing except animals, dark bodies of water, losing or not getting what I want, feeling 'in the nude', being in the nude, falling, unrequited love, anger, death, having someone touch or look inside my ears, being broke, uncertainty, sitting on toilet seats, losing a loved one and having my fingers smell like mango or orange. I don't want my fears dissolved because they make me comfortable but yours, they bother me and I don't like it.

Yes, I'm selfish.

My Spiritualgion

2010-11-30T02:00:00.007-05:00

So a day later and I'm back. Something is definitely going on, right? But I like it. I feel good doing me.

A couple weeks ago, a 'friend' shared some unsolicited (I think) feedback with me. She thought I was lacking spiritually. That is all I remember hearing as the sentence before and after were irrelevant once that statement met my ear. For the most part, I agree and the more I think about it as well as feedback I've received elsewhere in a more crude manner, the more it all comes together.

Unintentionally, I, as I am sure many others have, tended to a associate spirituality with religion. My issues with religion have consequently affected my ability to connect with my inner being, values and purpose. I think that explains a lot.

It explains my inconsistencies, my lack of discipline, my inability to take greater control of my reality and my unhappiness.

I assume most people build spiritually via religion. Religion does not appeal to me. Christians don't. Hate doesn't. Homophobia doesn't. War doesn't. Feelings of superiority and judgmental attitudes don't. Irrationality doesn't. Half-in/half-out doesn't.

The existence of a Creator and love do. Where do I find those?

The Personality Conundrum

2010-11-29T01:10:00.005-05:00

*sigh*

I like sighing. It does release stress; a minuscule amount, but stress nonetheless. Since I'm stressed at the moment, I have no choice but to do it a lot. I figure that since I'm not exercising or getting therapeutic massages I need to sigh 50 times as much to maintain my sanity *sigh* or at least try to.

So what's my latest dilemma? Well, I have a paper to write; one I have not touched as a result of my next to latest dilemma, an identity crisis. I feel I've been silly by not listening to myself 7 years ago when I managed to convince Dr. XXX that personality was a myth, or rather, that I thought it was. I'm sure I believed when I made the argument but clearly the belief didn't last long enough. Had it, I would not be facing this bit of trouble.

I tend not to listen to myself enough (or anyone else as a matter of fact). I am too good at defending rebellious and often extreme out-of-the-box positions to find myself in situations like this; and so often. I don't usually support marriage, trust or the notion that anyone is able to pinpoint a consistent enough pattern in their behavior to brand it 'personality' yet, when shit hits the fan, I want an engagement ring, my heart gets broken and I have identity crises. Way to go!

What do I do now? Who the fuck am I?

I'm an Oxymoron...

2010-11-14T19:01:00.002-05:00

...so this shouldn't come as a surprize, right?

Right, but it did and I'm confused and lost and yearning.

Happy Birthday lady :)

Watermelon...

2010-11-02T20:39:00.002-05:00

..a lovely fruit it is. Especially the GM variety. But that's not my point.

Several years ago, in one of the literature books I was made to read, someone had the feeling- that of a watermelon in her chest. I don't remember her name, maybe Becka.

I'm having it now. It's hard, heavy, stubborn and it hurts.

Grey

2010-09-11T01:14:00.002-05:00

I made an astonishing revelation today (well, yesterday); one I would not have acknowledged were I in my home country. A reality my background had not the contrast for me to notice. Race matters.

Yes, the truth is that 'blacks' and 'non-blacks' have a different history, varied stories and will end up in different places. This was always something I heard, but never did I know.

Ebony and ivory can play together in perfect harmony but the harmony would not be possible without their differences. It's a healthy fact I should have known, right?

I do now.

~even more extremely neutral
P.S. Being black and international in the US places one in an interesting position. Human but not American. Black but not African-American.

Why I can't finish my thesis proposal

2010-09-08T01:12:00.003-05:00

It's 1:22am and I'm as awake as I'd like to be. Wanna know what sucks though? I'm not doing as I would like to be doing. Wanna know why? Reading my writing is misery.

I have the hardest time proof-reading my papers:

I'm a procrastinator so doing it is practically impossible.
I am not and was never an avid reader (avid readers like the word 'avid' btw).
I think reading my own writing is a sign of self-absorption.

A thesis proposal, unless you are a very gifted student and writer, requires several 'lather, rinse, repeat's (or write, re-write, repeat, if you want to be boring). Unfortunately, that means reading my own paper :(.

I need a whip-master. Clearly my mind is not motivated by my September 25th deadline :(

September 2010

2010-09-06T23:05:00.002-05:00

Hey Mr. Blog,

I've missed you. I'm lying, really. I haven't missed you much at all as I have been busy using Microsoft Word; too much if you asked me. I'm here now because I've de-activated my Facebook account and need an outlet for idleness or something else to blame for my rebellious nature. I much prefer writing as a distraction though. Viewing the details of non-significant others got very redundant.

Grad school has been good. I'm happy with the decision I made...for the most part at least. I'm not very happy with the impact my decision to move to this small town in order to read journal articles and type thousands of words in MS Word had on a few significant people in my life. However, for the most part, I am happy. For the first in several years I feel challenged. I'm learning, I'm thinking and I feel much taller in my soul as a result.

I've had many experiences in the year, none really good, many depressing, a few confusing and more than I'm willing to admit rather upsetting. I'm still here though.

I will write on you again....very soon.

~The extremely neutral girl

Adjustment

2010-01-16T21:53:00.002-05:00

For a few years the desire burned within me to pursue graduate studies in the United States. A two year investment later landed me acceptance to a well respected program in a sub-urban town in the Mid-West. "Great!" I thought.

To date, my educational experience has been the only 'great' aspect of a journey I anticipated would make direct contributions to my personal growth. The details of what I expected are now unclear and partially irrelevant.

Greener Grass

2009-12-04T04:09:00.004-05:00

Off to that land
first class worldliness
Dreams pursued pursuing dreams
opportunities. opportunities. opportunities.
that Dream
American.
high class education,
fancy this and that
endless possibilities with countless remedies
easily doable
yet..
sunshine fills hearts
so empty these be.

Dead Brain

2009-03-31T10:13:00.003-05:00

Four (4) months and counting?

At one point I never imagined that not making a post here would have been possible for so long. With a dead brain however, 'tis very likely.

A dead brain, for those who might be fortunate enough not to be familar with such, is one where creativity and inspiration are far lacking and consequently useful productions are limited to non-existent. This, in most cases, tends to be the result of under-utilization.

:) Soooooooon

~Soft Rock

Environmental Sustainability + Psychology = love triangle

2008-11-09T22:38:00.007-05:00

Have you ever slept on an almost untouched beach on a clear night? If not, you should surely try it. It's the comfort of a full body massage (minus the intensity of deep muscle penetration) plus the post orgasm glow (minus the calories burnt to get there). It's 'fresh' night air melting onto land with smooth-crashing waves. It's the blanket of the night sky (which explains it's own thrill). It's absolutely beautiful.

Have you ever been fortunate enough to be surprized by the image of a full moon rising over the hills of the east? No? Pity you. I was in absolute awe on my first sighting of this and equally so on my 12th. Look out for it setting in New York also. It's twice the size of the one we have here in Jamaica and absolutely breathtaking.

I love the natural features of the earth.

My intrinsic tie to the untouched and 'simple' elements of our natural environment surpasses my understanding and ability to express. Likewise is my love affair with Psychology. Is this reason enough to merge my passions?

Can I handle a Green Psychology?

August 28, 1963

2008-11-04T23:41:00.001-05:00

:)

2008-11-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

Funny

Survival of the fittest?

2008-11-02T22:33:00.008-05:00

Do you know what's funny? Actions guided by self interest.

It's funny because so many a time it's absolutely unnecessary. So many a time it causes damage of such extreme sort. So many a time its result is counter-productive to self as it camouflages our inadequacies and removes any real chance of sustainable development. It's funny because it increases our bad karma.

p.s I just wanted to write something. Oh, and BTW... I strongly dislike dancehall gospel. If y'all want some dancehall try a secular night club. Trying to trick me? You are not funny!

For the flawed days...

2008-11-02T21:34:00.001-05:00

Loving unconditionally

2008-10-19T20:47:00.004-05:00

Today I cried.

Not very often do I allow my emotions to do as they wish of and with my physical self; today was an exception. DW, was laid to rest today. An opening in the earth was prepared for him and as he was submerged within, the mother of his two young daughters collapsed to the floor in mourning. His father looked on with eyes blood red, guiding a body they no longer knew. I cried. My thoughts spiraled within what was (or what I'd like to be) a rational space. The emotion I should have been feeling was over-powered by that I should not have been in that setting. I tried to stop the tears but the motivation was far too powerful a force.

I was angry.

DW was kind and calm. However, his death was the result of his attempt to show disregard for the life and work of another.

In spite of...

I struggled with making a decision about attending the service. I wondered if going would suggest my support for his attempted action. I wondered if not going would dispel my cognitive position of the essential goodness of man. I wondered if I'd forgiven him. I wondered if I was worthy of showing my final respect if I hadn't any real appreciation of his 'situation'. I still wonder.

I wonder many other things. As I sat there in the church reflecting on the practice of that category of ritual, I wondered about its purpose. If the 'bad' will perish in hell for being such, why have this ceremony? Is it a final plea for forgiveness? If God is all knowing and therefore understands the circumstances of all our actions why isn't forgiveness automatic? If man is expected, in his practice of Faith to be forgiving why isn't God going to forgive the final immoral acts of man? Why would a Creator with the most caring heart want his people to burn in a never-ending fire?

Karl Marx expressed that religion is the 'opium of the people' but what opium is it to the 'unsaved' of us?

And then.. why is rage so powerful that it allows us to disrespect the life and well-being of others? Why are we allowed to step outside ourselves so much so that we can inflict such pain we ourselves would struggle surviving? Why are we not yet able to attend to the needs of the deprived to assuage their unfortunate actions? What have I done so I should worry about my safety at nights hoping I make it to sunrise?

And I should love unconditionally?
TO WHAT END?

..as a grain of sand.

2008-10-16T22:11:00.005-05:00

A single form
like no other
among millions... of millions
unchangeable.

Displaced
"Replaced"
Tried

Form followed
Always.
To each his own.

~:~

At the close of the day, as I concluded my daily rituals (among which were several moments of non-progressive sins to self), my thoughts fortunately drifted to the words of a certain lady with Keys:

"There is no such thing as “best” in a world of individuals."

It was never between you and them anyway

~Kent Keith

Ms. Independent he says...

2008-10-14T23:22:00.006-05:00

It is of significant interest to me to observe the dynamics of traditional role playing between the sexes of modern day romantic relationships. The roles are normally more apparent among members of the extreme classes. While the middle class has its share, it's pretty boring with such diluted content.

Traditionally, within the context of the family, male hunts bread and female molds children and feeds breadhunter in order for him to hunt more bread. Fine. Interdependence is beautiful.

As social conditions evolved resulting in a breakdown and merger of family structures and values, very interesting conditions emerged. Male, in addition to hunting bread for female now has to pay the price for the 2 dozen lovers living outside the home. Male, looking for the 'wickedest slam' because 'good mother for child' is over-rated, now has to pay for that as well. From home rental fee (for the condo he doesn't reside in) to allowance for acrylic nails to just about anything, he pays it.

Male, very soon, gets accustomed to 'paying for it', since this becomes the norm. This, very soon becomes the standard. A 'good woman' now comes at a price, the higher, the better.

What happens when a female is found who doesn't need acrylic nails and a condo? What does the male, who sees his money as his worth now uses? How does he adapt to offering the intangible? Will he even know what those are? What happens to the female while he decides? Is her low demand for 'payment' perceived as low value? Will the roles reverse? Will he resort to being dependent on her or will he find use for his 'dalla dalla bills...y'all' elsewhere?

I think it's interesting that so many of our men who currently feed the financially dependent of our women are taken by the idea of the 'independent (or even almost) woman'. It's difficult to understand how a relationship of such a nature would function comfortably for both.

Kid in a candy store?

Balance is everything

2008-10-04T22:41:00.009-05:00

Only a few weeks ago, Jamaicans the world over were unified by the exceptional performance of the country's athletes at the Beijing Olympics. Only a few days ago, a fraction of those same Jamaicans were mortified by news reports of the brutal and unconscionable theft of innocent young lives. Science may dispute it, but balance is everything.

I get very antsy when things go the way I want them to; a negative situation tend always to present itself very soon after. I've also observed this trend in the limited exposure I've had to the lives of other persons as well. It's not very difficult to understand or accept. We often sing to the tune that no one is perfect; situations aren't perfect either. With this in mind, why aren't we employing the science (or art, whichever) of controlling our fate the way many millionaires do it? Why aren't we doing all we can to remain conservative in the light of glorious outcomes?

I was informed recently by an author I was entertaining that most successful millionaires are quite modest. I would think that were these millionaires to have pranced around in the streets for seven days after making their first 5% profit they would not have made it to profit 5000%. These millionaires did not alert the forces within the universe of their jubilance for the natural complementary powers to balance the equation automatically. These millions have mastered the art (or science, whichever).

We really should take a page from their book.

We should beware of extremes. Any moment of positive (or negative) in excess will be balanced by its counterpart. Bronze medals would have been ok but since we cant go back in time and undo that, quit heightening this side of the scale.

And by the way, that money could be better spent; consult a millionaire or something.

BRB

2008-09-29T12:30:00.002-05:00

My Dear Readers,

Please forgive my absence.

I'm having computer issues but will be back before you can say circumlocution (or not).

Yours truly,
The Softest Rock

p.s. people can be so cruel.. tsk tsk tsk

Caged bird

2008-09-07T18:56:00.004-05:00

Just in case you needed some inspiration like I do.

~see yah soon
Soft Rock

CAGED BIRD

~Maya Angelou

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Trust is flawed, trust me

2008-08-27T21:01:00.008-05:00

I was asked to blog about men being assholes. Challenging task. 1) I don't really think men are assholes and 2) two words, writer's block.

People can be assholes.

This simple fact is quite bothersome to handle in the real world; it (and not the love of money) is the root of all evil (in my opinion, thank you very much). The imperfection of human nature justifies this but at the same time perpetuates its painful consequence.

In my early years of realizing the ability of the mind to engage in critical thought I attacked the concept of trust. "Trust is bullshit", I thought. I was and still am severely criticized for this but of course, it's fine. I have found it very difficult to accept what I have branded 'deleterious duality'. Very few persons have contested the idea of humans being imperfect. Imperfection is accepted as the inability to get everything right; the inability to perform at the one's zenith at all times. Very few will argue that we are all flawed. Very few will be offended by being acknowledged as such. On the other hand however, very few will accept that being flawed reduces the quality of trust. This is where I slide my black/white glasses on. Is trust of any real value when reduced to the whims of human nature? Do we put our necks on blocks? Swear? Not prepare for the worst when chances are it is possible? Do we ignore reality because it is comforting to do so?

The name calling of men and in some cases women, is usually the result of trust issues. Our expectations of both ourselves and the men or women we interact with are shaped by rules diametrically opposed to the reality of our existence. The rigid [actual] nature of trust is not ideal for relations of any sort.

Chances are my dog will break the latch and wander off; I certainly don't want him to. Do I trust him? Do I leave him and react when he goes away and it's too late? Where is the logic in that? Or do I put measure in place to reduce the chances of him getting away? These measures are certainly not "I trust you, please don't go" but "why would you want to go? Ok, we'll address that". Problem is, very few are honest, open or rational enough. Not honest enough to share real issues; not open enough to accept real issues and not rational enough to not trust.

PS ----> men are fabulous!! [for best result insert functional upper-body brain] :)

Proud Jamaican!!

2008-08-21T22:47:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow I will exercise my right to be a wagonist. I will dress Jamaica.

I am happy our athletes have placed us in the number one position for several track events at the Beijing Olympics. That's worth a getting lost in the crowd for one day.

Nuh Linga-Special

You're using Psychology aren't you?

2008-08-21T21:10:00.009-05:00

It is very comforting to mankind when we are able to say "X is Y because .....". This is easy to understand as chaos is upsetting to the spirit. I can only imagine how empowering it must be for one who is able to inject this comfort into the lives of others. Sometimes however, this is difficult as some of us only trust test tube samples ...and religion.

I probably should conduct a study of this experience. My study should examine the feedback given by respondents exposed to theories presented by persons with influence from different schools of knowledge. A behavioural and non-behavioural issue should be presented to the panel from which individuals would decipher and present plausible theories. I would then observe the reactions of the respondents to see if any theory is disregarded with the accompanying "You're using Psychology aren't you?".

Hmm, I wonder how many of us can think without the use of psychology.

Sport Psychology exists!!!

2008-08-16T18:14:00.009-05:00

I was annoyed today. I am annoyed everyday actually, but that's not the point.

At 9:30am this morning, I joined the many thousands of Jamaicans who made it a point of duty to witness the 100m finals (male) at the Beijing Olympics. Fortunately for us, we had three members of our team qualifying for this race. These were Usain Bolt, Asafa Powell and Michael Frater. A very proud nation we were today, and quite relieved I'm sure to have a positive focal point for a change. With the media's influence (I'm not a fan of the media's approach), our expectations were quite high, but justifiably so. Our performance in the end was good; 1st, 5th and 6th. Our expectation however, was 1st and 2nd.

Why would I be annoyed? I am annoyed because my investment in a bachelor's degree in Psychology is perceived as not even being worth the paper it is written on. I'm annoyed because I have to scratch for a lame ass job because I know nothing about accounts or the other 'meaningful' professional fields of study. I'm annoyed because I've realized how lacking in depth and common sense the world of work I so seemingly am desperately clinging to to survive is. I'm annoyed because Psychology is perceived and treated as bullshit by my immediate society.

Our 3 young ambassadors could have performed better today. Here goes my diagnosis. Please note, I claim to have no expertise but am employing simple reasoning skills with the use of information I've been exposed to.

Usain Bolt- While breaking his own world record, it was evident that his performance could have been better had he not taken the chance in the final 10m (or so) of the race to beat his chest, and yes, literally. Optimal performance should first be achieved, then rewarded.
Asafa Powell- This case is far above me and possibly the most complicated of the lot. It has been reported, for a number of years that Asafa's performance is usually affected when high performance matters most. There has been no doubt that Asafa has remarkable potential; he is in fact, the second fastest man on the earth. The assumption however, of him not being able to perform at his optimum in cases of high pressure has been ringing and ringing like my cell phone when I'm trying to sleep. Many have expressed 'disappointment' by his performance. See a problem? Fix a problem. Exams make me nervous as well; he aint the only one.
Michael Frater - I had to google his name to confirm he was the third Jamaican in this race. The media practically ignored Michael. He was not expected to earn a medal like the above two. Motivation, motivation and motivation.

Psychology has the answers to so many of our issues yet we see it not. We fail to recognize how vast and useful the application of this 'non-sense' can be. We fail to see that our human tools for publicity (positive and negative) are humans.

I was extremely proud today but I find it very difficult to ignore the comments and apparent shortcomings of the influence our athletes are victims to. I admit I am not aware of the preparations made besides the physical but I have very little reason to believe any was done. In the event that the psychological needs of our athletes are being catered for, kudos to you Jamaica. Keep it up and congrats on your achievements so far.

Smart + Guy = Yum

2008-08-13T23:16:00.003-05:00

During my prime years of being 'courted', next to the most popular question about my body type (I met a significant number of the ppl I know online) was the question "what type of guys do you like?'. I was quite annoyed by this and for a number of reasons I tried to work my vagueness around it. One such reason was the fact that the most common response by my peers was the retarded 'a nice personality'. Ehm. No. I still don't even know what that means. Another reason was that I thought it best to not take too much of a prescriptive approach to finding a mate at the time.

I am a few years older and a bit has changed. My approach is still not very prescriptive but my preference is now on paper and official. He needs to be smart (not necessarily intelligent). There is absolutely nothing as sexy as a guy with the perfect solution in a tight spot. Delicioso! Plus my kids and I will need good influence.

Unrequited love

2008-08-11T19:27:00.005-05:00

A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.
Abraham Cowley

My Lover is scientific but gentle; of very sharp senses, the should-be-but-not-so-commons. He watches and understands; ponders and solves. He speaks and impresses; immensely, and is criticized just as much. My type. Extremely neutral.

We go back; decade/2 back. For as much as back I've loved; absorbingly. My Lover's weaknesses I've defended. My Lover's ambiguity I've tolerated. My Lover I've loved.

He is promising; very. I can see my end with my Lover and its beautiful. I can achieve happiness with my Lover's support and smile at the long awaited reward. I can. But its... I could.

I'm human Lover; with a quarter-life seemingly more deprived than all. How fruitful can my whole be with a hollow core?

Hollow core.

Its time to love me....... Psychology.

Detachment

2008-08-04T20:35:00.007-05:00

I'm not a fan of action movies. I love drama, unhurried drama. I have long concluded that my preference is largely the result of the manner in which I process information; at a pace allowing my attendance to the smallest bits of information, i.e. slow. I am slow and very easily distracted. But when I get it, its gotten. Unfortunately, this summer has brought with it nothing but fancy action movies. The most recent enigma I've been victim of was The Dark Knight. I will be seeing that again ... and possibly, again. I am very slow.

While all the sounds and flashes had my brain cells in a frenzy, I was able to focus on the Joker. This was partly the result of his brilliant acting and intelligent script. The other part was the fact that he was a Psychopath. I love those. In movies that is.

Besides the extreme of psychopathology, it is an absolute mystery to me that individuals of such similar physical forms can display traits so removed from others; such extreme traits. I haven't had many interactions with the Joker nor Hannibal Lecter but I have come across some of their friends on much lower rungs. I've witnessed behaviour which can only be the result of a complete detachment from reality.

How do 'normal' humans remove themselves from impact?

p.s. People who block should also be able to make office floors scorching hot. I need a job.

Dancehall Dance Log

2008-07-31T21:41:00.005-05:00

Just a few dance moves from Jamaica. Enjoy!

Gully Creepa
Nuh Linga
Dutty Wine
Dancers Anthem (assorted)
Tek Weh Yuself
Hot Wuk
Willie Bounce
Pon De River
World Dance

Pop Thought: Who would have thought one 'cup' of cup noodles had all of 300 calories. Crazy!

Dependence, Left and Right

2008-07-25T23:20:00.008-05:00

What one lil fact would you not be able to guess about me?

I am semi-psycho so no that's not it. My big little secret is [insert drumroll please]... I, a 24 year old suffer from left-right direction confusion. Not occasional confusion, I simply cannot tell the difference with my arms tied behind me. Honestly, neither can I imagine being able to comprehend the ability of detecting the distinction. WTH! Relativity is madness...sometimes.

At a very young age, let's say at age 4 (or somewhere there), my dear mother discovered, what I believe we call a mole on the third digit of my 'left hand'. Interestingly enough, this 'mark' was not present at birth, go figure. Anyway, at the time, I was learning or getting ready to learn the very basic truths of life. Truths such as letters, numbers and shapes, with the exception of the circular triangle; that I discovered much later. My mother, in an attempt to give me one less tedious task during my early-life crisis, told me "Sweetie, this is your left side, remember it by this mark". At the time I can remember having no idea what purpose this ounce of knowledge would serve. But remembered I did, throughout childhood, adolescence and now adulthood. That one mark has kept me on the right path (or left, ha! a funny) and not even consciously. Thank you Mommy...kinda :)

Dependence. Is it a result of mere laziness? What mental energy initiates and sustains this? What if my mother had given me two 'blankets' to ease my learning process, what circumstances would determine which take precedence? What other facets of my being have been influenced by my mole-dependence? Would we naturally be conscious of the sources of our dependence? Does being conscious negate the effect of the experience? At what point does dependence become debilitating? What is the relationship between dependence and addiction? What conditions motivate independence?

The butterflies get a break sometimes I'm sure.

Human first...

2008-07-23T22:58:00.006-05:00

I made a remarkable discovery today.

Jamaica, if not known for its wealthy culture or beautiful natural resources is acknowledged as having one of the highest crime rates in the world. Tis a scary reality, a very scary one. But of course, balance is inevitable and as such a very ugly extreme is needed for all the glory this beautiful island is endowed with.

With the stark need for a reduction in our crime rate (or rather, murder rate since I'm told the crime rate is just about average) funding agencies such as the European Union and Inter-American Development Bank have seen value in supporting agents of re-socialization. The company I work with is one such with its focus on micro and small business development. With the incidence of murder related criminal activities being highest in the inner cities, funding has taken us to one of these areas.

So.... I went to Gold Street today. Gold Street is located in Parade Gardens of the Central Kingston constituency which was a player in our most recent crime wave. It wasn't my first time visiting the community as we had previously been doing the ad hoc visits this current project demanded. It was however, our first formal visit as we went to meet with a community based organisation to get feedback on the objectives we had selected for the project. Though I wasn't dreadfully scared, I was mildly paranoid.

As we sat waiting on the community members to gather I admired the extreme tidiness of the interior of the building our meeting was scheduled for. Mostly women entered, and as I watched it appeared to me. The stereotypes dwindled. These women had all appeared freshly showered and decently dressed and greeted us very politely as they entered. In those brief minutes, the aura of my mundane thoughts drove it home. Humans first.

Somewhere in my mind, at some point in time I probably thought only super-humans could endure the harsh realities of the inner city as shared with me by the nightly news. It seemed it required qualities not common to all to lose multi-members of one's family in succession yet have the strength to inhale afterwards. Almost understandable that constant receipt of victimization only leads the delivery of victimization. It probably does and is. But irrespective of this, very closely underneath whatever barrier is employed, is a human and one who once cried from having his ice cream fall from its cone.

Amazing.

The Psychology of what now?

2008-07-21T22:23:00.004-05:00

So local media has struck again. This time, the programme was titled "The Psychology of Dancehall". Should you not be familar with the term 'dancehall', this is a musical art form fashioned from Reggae with influences of other musical varieties. Like most other types of music, dancehall reflects social experience and is believed to influence same. The programme spoke about the assumed social influence of dancehall, its history and the perception of its fans.

Can I now do a programme on the Psychology of my pen? Fan? Modem? A paint brush? They all are connected to behaviour, right? Since so few Jamaicans know what Psychology is, lets just all do random presentations and drag the label along. It sounds fancy and no one uses it anyway! We need not be too scientific, neither do we need to ensure the content is representative of the discipline, its only Psychology! Who knows what that is!!!

Pop Thought: Why is it that Psychology in the Jamaican media appears to be one face? Where are all the others? I am tired of seeing Semaj.

Crime Passionnel

2008-07-17T20:14:00.004-05:00

Question asked: How could someone attempt murder then take the wounded to the hospital?

My answer: The same way you could kill a mosquito.

Unfair analogy? Nah. I can easily kill a mosquito; involuntarily. Easier if it bites the hell out of me and it hurts.

Why would I find it difficult to kill a mosquito? If it’s my pet.

There are many imperceptible continuums governing life. One such as this is controlled by emotion. Then there’s extreme malady.

Pop thought: I witnessed a crime of passion today. A reckless misdeed. There was an article in one of the local papers comparing the iPhone to the Blackberry. Observed reactions: *Laughter* and “That just goes to show what people value in life” *scoff*.

I wanted to respond so badly but I’ve been called a snob enough. But in response, yes it does show what people value in life. Since I don’t think it’s a good investment to be aware of the advancements of the human race or to have the option of having information a click away I’ll just spend my money on bug spray and have my assistant do my typing forever. Yay me of poor values!

The fire in your pants

2008-07-15T22:30:00.004-05:00

My sensitively to noticing human behaviour trends as a result of my passion for the topic or my innate expertise (this part is a joke. please say 'haha') is literally driving me nuts. I am constantly positioned in the way of suggestive-action-paths or better yet, reactive behaviour. I don't care about the reason everyone holds their fork a special way or how choices are made for the use of symbols when doodling. What use is this? Can it help me with the GREs? Maybe not. But really, this one time, during sex (or after, can't remember) I was trying to figure out (based on the manor in which my breasts were being handled) how my partner was treated by his mom as an infant. Now I'm either a psych-nerd-wanna-be or...

I wish people would stop thinking before acting, sans inherent selfishness of course; and that would suggest the absence of the sub and unconscious. Really, do we need that much memory? Life would be so much more exciting without it.

P.S. The fire in my pants has brief and sporadic sparks f.y.i.

Why blog??

2008-07-14T22:44:00.005-05:00

I haven't had enough time to think about or give an ear to the inspiration bloggers receive for that which commands precious hours (which could perhaps be better spent working up a sweat or something). But should I eventually, I'm sure twud be interesting. For now I'd say, bloggers blog for the same reason artists paint (for now I said).

Yes, I am late to be questioning this aged phenomenon but that's fine. The important thing is getting there ...so eventually. It's rather interesting cuz the practice falls outside the parameters of conventional writing as well as the maintenance of contact with a virtual network. The contributing factors which immediately come to mind are rooted in several once unrelated schools. Quite a mix it is. Hmm...

Anyway, why do I blog? Simple = My Google ads wont pay and I'm challenged to fix that. Nowhere close to a million hits but... I'm bored so what the heck.

Gracious Host

2008-07-10T23:05:00.003-05:00

"Hello...

Can you hear ?
It's me. I live here"

Nothing.

Empty well?

"Hello...

Can you hear me?
It's me. I live here"

Auld Lang Syne

2008-07-10T22:03:00.003-05:00

In anticipation of the year to come...
or rather...
my year.

Thank you Robert Burns.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne,

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,

And surely I'll be mine!And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne,

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,

And pu'd the gowans fine;

But we've wandered mony a weary fitSin' auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne,

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidled i' the burn,

Frae morning sun till dine;

But seas between us braid hae roaredSin' auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne,

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,

And gie's a hand o' thine!

And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught

For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne,

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1n-f-Zusaw

To what end Mr. Media?

2008-07-09T00:11:00.006-05:00

Recently, due to the promotion of a special feature on local television I stayed up to watch same. The program was on the subject of suicide. After watching this I was extremely concerned and more importantly, terrified. My thoughts were encircled around the social impact of the delivery of the feature and I was forced to question the level of consideration placed in it's production. Undoubtedly, the matter of suicide is an extremely sensitive one and as a result, my expectations of the feature were influenced by the reality of this. After watching, I questioned “to what end?”

Suicide is not like the weather. Studies have suggested a need for the employment of vigilance in the report of suicide in the media as improper reporting techniques can lead to suicide contagion. (Interestingly enough, the feature highlighted what could have been a suicide cluster in a particular area in the island). Is our local media aware of the proper guidelines for the report of suicide? I'm sure they exist and based on my layman observations, were not fully followed in the production of the aforementioned feature. In my opinion, the feature was unnecessary. A prominent coverage such as this only intensifies the masses’ preoccupation with the issue. The feature was also far too detailed; not only was personal information which could easily be accepted as reasonable justification (to those influenced) given but technical details about the methods used were explained. Role models wanted? Furthermore, the graphical illustrations complementing the feature were quite morose and information given on prevention guidelines were far limited.

Mr. Media, please think about social impact. Employ the expertise of Sociologists and Psychologists. You’d be surprised at what you’d be able to achieve. Make your impact valuable and not questionable.

Seed

2008-06-27T21:05:00.004-05:00

Am I getting a tattoo tomorrow?

I would like to but "why is everyone doing that?" is a major turn off. The decision to do it now was influenced by the impression I had that everyone who wanted to follow a stupid crowd already did so. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day; hair, fingers and feet usually take a while...maybe I should wait

Anyway, shower and bed now. I've started doing that pretty early these days and not because I'm tired.... oblivion just feels better

Pop thought: The Milo just burnt my tongue...again. Trying to drink warm beverages is getting to me now

Something useful to think about

2008-06-26T22:41:00.001-05:00

It was just the same. I remembered every moment of it.

When the graduating class of 2008 was officially declared and their balloons untied, I could smell the scent of freshly cut grass from the Holy Ground in 2000 and felt the satisfaction and elation as if my moment was only 2 minutes old.

I’m happy I participated. It was most refreshing when the ladies found their way over just to say “thank you for teaching me the march”. As difficult as they are to accept, the challenges of adolescence are just …. challenges. When adults refuse to provide the needed guidance, the worst can only be expected.

I forgot about my state of gloom this afternoon while at Queen’s. Some years ago Queen’s = state of gloom. I should really look into that Mentorship idea.

Sunset

2008-06-25T21:28:00.002-05:00

Daybreak, overlooked by sluggish awakening.

Another morning

One of many yet distinct; distinctly uninspiring

Daylight guides meandering beginning, almost obligatory

Yet Sunshine such a glory!

Such sweet warmth a day can't do without

Arousing

The hand ticks

The light descends

Is this where the sun sets and my heart breaks?

*Coy

3/07

Kinda stressed

2008-06-24T21:52:00.002-05:00

I am learning more about myself each day; "Every situation...seed of good" I say.
I know I like being in charge, of those things which have direct impact on my well being (or just life) ...excluding people. I never try to manage those.

I will never be happy in a job which requires my working on the same tasks with other people. Give me MY piece dammit!!!

Anyway, thats not my point but it leads to it. It leads to the fact that I'm at that place again where I need a breather. A 2 minutes, 2 seconds even.... to compose. I left my desk today in search of that. I ended up in the bathroom. No fresh air there!!! Oh gee :( what have I been reduced to?

I feel a Frenchman's trip coming up very soon... I will not be scared.

Make it stop.... the headache that is

2008-06-13T23:43:00.003-05:00

If I were to be up late one night due to an inability to fall asleep though being tremendously tired I'd certainly need a strong reason... a very strong one. What reason could be strong enough to cause non-sleep?

Could the reality of being a resident of a country plagued by wanton murders and other criminal activities be a strong enough reason? The constant experience of fear? The intermittent reminder on the nightly news? The suction of empathy from the soul for others more so affected? The callousness of the perpetrators? The incompetence of those in the position to lead? Nah... couldn't be.
How about a very low return on investment of one's job? The need for a challenge which is only seen as a cry for more work? The inability to advance due to a lack of experience (catch [insert figure]?)? The unpromising second option which appears ever present? The frustration by not-so-good others? Not strong enough.
Maybe it could be recurrent evidences of unvalued effort in relations? The 'subliminal' :) "You should have done this that way instead"? Met needs that are never met? The "leave me alone" after all this time? Missed opportunities? Nope.
Chaotic romantic affairs? The push here? The tug there? The push here? The probability and possibility these forces were magnetized subconsciously? Intentionally? The blessing and curse of choice? The many years going to waste? The shady new pathway? Probably normal hitches.
A headache? Definately the strongest!!! See why we have so many branded painkillers?

Pop thought -----> PS. Why the fuck would I want a label? Don't you know they are the most debilitating of inventions yet? Silly rabbit.