I'm about to do something a bit stupid but equally courageous. I feel a bit compelled at this point as I no longer have a therapist to pour my sorrows out to at this crossroad stage of my life. On the one hand, I doubt anyone I know actually reads my blog, and on the other, I don't care right now. I have to survive and I will.
Yesterday, I accidentally said something aloud in the company of my roommate. It kinda spilled from my lips as I try to avoid the use of the word 'depressed'. However, I said, "I feel so depressed". What I really meant to say was "I am so bored," and boredom, for me, creates a breeding ground for depression; something I wouldn't consciously have her know.
Her response was, "don't you say that! Do you even know what depression is?" with her somewhat snobbish Nigerian British-English accent.
My roommate is a very confident lady and when she speaks her listeners have almost no choice but to believe her. Her response therefore had me feeling quite guilty for 'abusing' depression the way so many people often annoy me by doing.
It was an interesting moment those couple of minutes. I was tempted to defend myself from two fronts. I wanted to remind her that I was an aspiring psychologist and therefore could provide her with the physiological details of the disease. I also wanted to ask her if she had any idea who she was speaking to. Instead, I took a sip from the bottle of water lying by my foot and shut the hell up.
Over 24 hours later and this feeling of being choked still plagues me. Had I hypertension or diabetes, I would have said to her, "well, I actually suffer from that illness and have been doing so silently for 17 years so I do know an awful lot about it." Instead I said nothing. Were the same incident to occur again tomorrow night, I would have responded the same way.
What's the problem really? I refuse to associate myself with the ignorant (correct meaning) and ignorant (Jamaican meaning) mass of people who are extremely fixed on the idea of considering depression 'something wrong'. As such, that could not be what I think, right? So maybe it's a private matter and I prefer keeping it that way. The truth is, however, I'm not that private a person. I have a blog, come one!
Funny.
I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself for being ashamed of myself.
2 comments:
Depression is something very many of us have to live with, and we respond to the world in different ways that seeks to hide what we're sometimes too ashamed to admit. Your courage to come out here is admirable. What matters in the end, most times I believe, is how we put such state of mind into use in dealing with society and everyday life. From your thoughts, you don't seem to do badly. Life's what it is, and all we can do is to survive it. Best. I like your blog.
D.
Thank you for reading.
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